My Lovely Lady Lump

Can you believe this won me $2,500??

Datura sent me a much needed supportive and sympathetic e-mail. She probably got the heaviest of my turmoil over all of this - not just the party, but school and everything, and it's just been a very stressful three months. A lot has happened in both of our lives, but look at us! Still emotionally and psychologically intact (kinda), physically healthy, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for the next great adventure despite the fear and anxiety, and despite all odds and obstacles we're charging towards the future throwing away the past as we careen down this topsy turvy winding highway towards a bloodred sun.

Mmm... melodrama. Feels like home.

Anyhoo... Insecurities aside, this is the most financially rewarding Christmas ever! I mean Chinese New Year is always lucrative, but THIS! I know you're all adults and some of you can shit $2,500 on a nightly basis, but for a little college student like me, I feel like I've won the jackpot.

I called my mom first, and she very sternly reminded me not to waste all this on candy and clothes (or drugs in my experience), and I - for once - think she's absolutely right. I'm buying a piano. An electric piano with weighted keys and glorious built-in speakers so that I may drown myself in Tschaikovsky and Mozart and Tim Burton. One of my goals in life is to write one great song. That's not asking a lot, and I've got lots of time to do it.

But I don't intend on spending more than $1,500, so I've been treating all my friends! I thought I wouldn't be able to buy anyone Christmas presents this year, and anyway, I don't see my friends often enough to be able to buy them anything good, plus many of my friends are still in school so they're not going to be buying me anything, so I've basically been treating those around me. On Saturday, I took a slightly hung-over Datura to Mel's Montreal Bistro on Bloor St. for an especially decadent breakfast complete with fruit cups, sides of fried beans, freshly squeezed orange juice, coffeeeeeeeeeeeee, smoked salmon, and Montreal smoked meat.

After we dropped Datura off in Newmarket, Ryan and I drove up to Beeton to visit our friends Wes and Amanda who bought a 100 year old farm house up there where they live with their cat Cosmo and their Staffordshire Terrier Cross (pitbull) Burnham. We had dinner at The Muddy Waters: Home for Wayward Girls - the only bar in Beeton - a known motorcycle gang hang-out and the source of much fun and merriment for the locals young and old.

A band called Haight-Ashbury was playing coincidentally who used to play at shows with Wes back when he was in high school. Now Haight plays for an older more sophisticated crowd at The Muddy Waters where the wings are only 35 cents each and the washrooms are cleaner than most restaurants downtown. A groovey lady with shaved head showed off her awesome dance moves (they REALLY were awesome) on the dance floor, and they were later joined by two white-haired ladies who did a little bit of swing dancing to everyone's delight.

Sitting there with beers all around, eating chicken wings and red hot chilli poppers, listening to an amazing cover band do a rock-out version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds made me feel so much better. I treated everyone to dinner that night paying with a crisp $100 (very special, I never have those in my pocket!) and we wished Wes and Amanda a very merry Christmas because they are two very special and wonderful friends.

On the ride home, I just couldn't stop thinking about the party. All the things that could have been done better had I known about them. That's experience I guess. Slowly, the regrets are fading, and especially after seeing all the wonderful pictures, it really does look like everyone had a great time. There were fun parts - bits of flirting here and there, kissing my darling on stage in front of everyone, hugging David VP like a big ole grandpa on his way out the door... maybe it really doesn't take a lot to get people to have fun. Especially if they are people that you know who care about you and believe in you.

It's like I wasn't even there.

What can I say about the Christmas party?

It happened and almost everything went as planned. There were DEFINATELY things that could've been better managed. But I don't want this post to be about my personal criticism on the event. I spent the entire ride home from Newmarket on Saturday crying because I was being crushed by my own perfectionistic standards. Good thing Ryan was there to scream some sense into me.

Basically, I spent the Friday morning tying up loose ends and getting ready for the party. Datura arrived at 7 to get dressed, and we took the most roundabout way to get to The Church because the traffic was just stupid in the city. Poor Nicole called me at 7:30 wondering where the fuck I was. She was probably almost as nervous as I was!

When we got there, I had to get to work. At first, everything was chill - Osaze was playing some kick ass tunes, and everyone seemed to be really enjoying themselves. Then the dancers came on and they asked Osaze to play fuckin dance beats and shit which was what first threw me into a fit of hyper-ventilation just cuz it was too fucking much!

I thought maybe a joint would help me relax, and sweet sweet Frost hooked me up with a cool chick from his company to smoke me up. It's weird being smoked up by someone you don't even know, and I ended up unloading some of the party planning horror on her which in retrospect was very inconsiderate of me, but the pot and the tobacco and my empty stomach made me feel miserable.

I tried to eat - I sat by myself when everyone was done dinner and ate some vegetables and salad because I would've thrown up anything else. I still haven't really figured out why I was so stressed out! Just nerves I guess... the pressure of being held responsible for such a big party was too much for one little mitten like me to handle.

I found Datura for a much needed hug.

Not all of the evening was bad though... I got to meet SO many wonderful people and a lot of contacts in the event planning industry. =D I fluttered around making sure everyone was having a good time, and though many people complimented me on the party - some insanely insecure part of my brain kept imagining the criticism twinkling in their eyes. The words that should have made me elated were consistently soured by my own goddamn insecurity.

I couldn't even enjoy my Squints victory! Yes, once again I have emerged the Squints Champion 2005 - that's two years in a row. And yes, I admit I do practice, but this year was the first year I practiced. After all, I had a title to defend. The prize this year went up to $2,500 which will buy me a piano and then some. With an ass this talented, I'm seriously considering getting it insured.

This review of the party is pretty dry. I can't think of anything else to say! I honestly don't remember very much of it because I was too preoccupied with the technicalities of the event. Tomorrow, I will write about my feelings; about my emotional outburst on Saturday; about my impromptu holiday treats for my friends; and all the other bullshit drama neurotic blah blah blah that's going through my head.

But for now, this is what you get.

Body. Style. VeloCity

Those are the best ads out of my campaign. They're supposed to be full-page newspaper broadsheets in black and white. I'm A LOT better at doing black and white design than anything. I'm colour-retarded, but I'm learning.

I got an A for this project. That entire class was called The Big Book, and as Datura can tell you, it's just a big book that I bound in hardcover which entails an entire advertising campaign from start to finish. The purpose of the campaign was to generally change the image of bicycle culture in Canadian urban centres. Hopeful... but I doubt any real companies would want to invest in something like this.

Confessions of Min_o

Dear Blog,

Yes, I'm doing one of those dear-blog-i'm-so-sorry-for-neglecting-you-but-let-me-explain-why posts.

School is over. I have a meeting tomorrow with my course co-ordinator, which will no doubt be a long lecture about my committment to the program (or something of such tone), and I will have to explain to him the insanity that is planning the Python/Orgasm Christmas Party.

I consider it my Get Out of Jail Free card, and god knows I've earned it.

There's only five days left til the party, and I've finally got everything nailed. It's definately nothing near what I started with in the beginning, but that's not a bad thing. One thing that this whole experience has taught me is that when you're throwing a party with someone else's money, you can't say shit all about anything. I've learned not to take this so personally. And in the end, it's just a job.

One thing that I can say for sure about this party is that it's going to be FUCKING FABULOUS. It's not the Playboy Mansion, but it's going to be fun. We've got entertainment coming out the yin yang (thanks to Damian) and we've got a DJ who's going to rock the house. I can't believe I didn't think of him right away, Osaze, he's been DJing the local rock clubs for like 10 years, and he has a great bum! I thought I was going to have to settle for a production company DJ because nobody seemed to want to make me a fucking sample tape. Some guy actually asked me for $200 for him to make me a sample tape! wtf? Anyway, Osaze has personality and he'd never be asked to spin at a bar mitzvah (unless the kid was a goth punk).

But enough about the party. What about min_o - the person - the girl? I always lose myself at school. There's something about being around the people in my program that turns me into a cold, disinterested bitch. And it's only the people in my program who bother me because I'm the kind of person who'll hang out in the print shop and make friends with the geeky print shop boy who listens to The Dears and Sublime all day. He's so adorable - he and I sang and danced to The Mariner's Revenge Song on one particularly long Tuesday afternoon.

But I've learned not to resent my peers. There are many reasons why I dislike them and yes I can admit that jealousy does play a part. How can a crazy Scarborough girl who was brought up by a crazy Chinese single mom not be jealous of rich Forest Hill girls who all have really nice shoes that I can't afford and cars that I don't even have a license to drive? So last weekend, I went out and bought the pair of brown leather boots I've been thinking about all winter. They cost me more than I'll probably make from planning the Christmas party, but I love them and when I wear them, I don't feel so inferior and frumpy.

The good news is that I still feel like myself. I realise that many of the hobbies I took up over the summer have to be put on hold during the school year, and that it's ok. I'll never lose my desire to draw and paint (in fact my storyboards have never looked better). I stopped break dancing not because I don't have time, but because I need more strength training before I can take it on again. As a result, I'm about to finish my first 8-week session of pilates, and I have signed up for another session that starts in January. Honestly, my ass has never felt finer.

I was afraid that I'd go back to the same old boring Jasmin. Only three years ago this Christmas did I spend my evenings lying on an old couch covered with cat hair watching TV every night, and going out every so often to dance at "Funhaus" because I missed Zen Lounge. I was seriously dumped for the first time that Christmas and at the time, I was so confused because it was one of my few relationships where I didn't cheat. I thought fidelity was the secret key to a successful and longlasting relationship. Naive eh?

Since then, I've discovered many things about myself. I was finally able to face my many many fears and insecurities, and I let them go. It's a lot of work becoming a real person. I didn't grow up in a neighbourhood that encouraged people to be real people - we were all clones of one another. And when I see my friends back in Scarborough now, I can see where I have grown and changed, and where they will always be the same. And I say that without superiority because hey - they're the ones who are getting university degrees and they're going to become accountants and lawyers, and I still have no idea what the fuck I'm going end up being, so it's hard to feel superior just because I have cooler hobbies than they have.

The best thing that came out of all this personal development, and the thing that makes it all worthwhile are the amazing and inspiring people who have come into my life. The people who make me want to go out and read different books, listen to different music, go to different places, etc. Before, I didn't have many people like that in my life. I didn't have a lot of real friends.

Sorry, Blog, for writing your face off. But some things just need to be written down and shared.

Love always,

Jasmin =)