everything in its place

lately, i've been finding a lot of inspiration from the idea that everything on this earth - in this universe - is made of the same fundamental matter. you could call it quarks an electrons, but maybe there's something even more fundamental than that which even encompasses that which we dream and think and feel. different forms of reality, anything that projects or retains energy.

i find myself reflecting on where i fit in this world of ours and i'm just filled with a feeling of gratitude. not because of the material things i have though of course it's great to wear cute outfits and live in my own condo, but when i really think about how the universe presents stranger after stranger, challenge after challenge, and it just blows my mind how many friends and rewards one acquires over a lifetime.

displacement

all my life i've suffered from bouts of depression, guilt, frustration... and it dawned on me sometime while i was sleeping last night that some of it at least is the product of displacement. either the displacement of a person or thing in my life where i'm continually trying to force-fit some ideal and being disappointed that things just AREN'T.

how i've tossed and turned at night over things that i wanted. i used to think that was ambition - right? to intensely want something? but having been working seriously now for two years, i can say that success has only come through intensely focusing on creativity, and the power of desire has only blind-sighted me.

creativity as a means of attracting shtuff

it's obvious that there are some people and things we are naturally drawn to or who are naturally drawn to us, but even that's not necessarily a direct result of our desire. the more direct way to acquire something we want is to do something to attract it - like get into a new type of music, create a new look, read a new book, write a new resume, change your voicemail message. i really do see all of this as creativity... it's putting yourself into a place to acquire something new be it a skill, knowledge, friends or recognition.

dancing as a religion

i need to get home to put together a playlist for leann's birthday party. here's what i have so far:

1. 99 Red Balloons by Nena
2. Hong Kong Garden by Siouxie and the Banshees
3. D.A.N.C.E. by Justice

if dancing were a religion, i'm gonna be praying my ass off tonight!

the basic elements of love and creativity

Before there was life, there were the four elements. Air. Earth. Water. Fire.

These elements were separate, yet they were comprised of the same basic elemental force.

One day, something changed the way these elements existed. unconscious of one another. A feeling of attraction overcame the elements, thus the origin of life.

What brought the elements together? Was it something within the elements - something that stirred in the elemental force that bound them? Or was there an outside catalyst?

Humanity has been searching for an answer since we were able to form thoughts. Men and women have dedicated entire lives to solve this mystery, and many lives have been lost fighting wars in an attempt to win this argument with violence.

Before there was life, these elements existed without history or observation. Although we cannot recreate the beginning of time, there is a more common denomination of attraction that humanity has the ability to understand: love.

Not to be confused with desire, true love comes from a deep place within us and grows exponentially and irrationally with time. So perhaps, these elements who complemented each other so naturally for so many lifetimes began to develop a fondness for one another. Although they took vastly different forms, they recognized that they were basically the same. In this recognition came acceptance. In unquestioned acceptance came love.

As these elements opened up to each other, they began to create using their varied attributes. Through these actions and reactions, they evolved into more than just four elements. So deep and so strong was their love, that they began the limitless, wonderous and unstoppable experiment that is creation.

Photography by Philip Toledano. Visit: mrtoledano.com

My Brain has Taken Me Hostage

this week was all about consumption. i guess i was hungry! i'm really good at filling my belly with delicious food, but my mind was famished. i was desperate for lots of stimulation, sparkling new ideas, magic beans that would sprout even more thoughts.

i think it's normal to go into phases where your mind becomes a bit lethargic and all of a sudden it wakes up and kicks your ass all the way to the bookstore, or the movie store, or the theatre, or just places that can sometimes feel too out of the way or activities that seem time consuming. i guess my mind has been asleep for some time and now it's holding my eyes hostage. my eyes want want to eat everything with substance.

Words as Food for Eyeballs

i mentally consumed a book that Laura lent me called The End of Mr. Y. i won't give you the synopsis, but it's definitely one of the best fictions i've read in a long time. similar to the way Eat Pray Love conveyed some very deep spiritual ideas in a very relatable, absorbable way; The End of Mr. Y conveys some very complex metaphysical ideas in a very digestable, plausible way.



i like the juxtaposition of the two books that i've read basically back to back and they complimented each other really well. where the first opened up my heart, the second opened up my mind. it's like the universe is set on dissecting me, or maybe i'm trying to dissect myself.

so next on my reading list:

1. Catching the Big Fish by David Lynch
2. Mary Queen of Scots by Antonia Fraser

Moving Images as Beverage for Eyeballs

last night, ryan and i went to see the first movie at the theatre in ages. since the summer, there have only less than a handful of movies that were worth paying for, but since the film festivals have ended, there are at least four movies that i desperately want to watch.

last night we saw Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, a Sidney Lamet film starring one of my favourites: Philip Seymour Hoffman. again, no synopsis here, but what i absolutely loved about it was the poetic symmetry of the storyline. and the acting just fucking jumps off the screen on all sides. the story is dark, unfolding the snowball effect of someone who makes one bad decision after the next.


although Marisa Tomei's character really doesn't shine in this movie, despite the fact that her role is integral to the aforementioned Series of Bad Decisions, i really loved her wardrobe from this film. that is when she's wearing anything at all because she does spend a couple of scenes showing off her nipples.

i was shocked when i found out that Sidney Lamet's 85 years old! i'm not a huge movie buff, but knowing the directors helps set a context for films, especially if i watch a lot of films from the same director (like David Lynch). Sid did a fantastic job, and the reason why i was surprised was because the style was really edgy and powerful.

he chose a stylish method of flipping between scenes and timelines that really added to the desperate pace of the movie - it kind of visually stimulated an "uh-oh moment" where it makes you feel like shitting your pants: something Bad has happened. and then the way he would open a scene with a close-up of the character's faces (and you can imagine the amount of pure emotion that pours out from Albert Finney) and lets it pan out to lead your mind and give you context to the scene before a word is said.

it was lovely to be in the hands of such an experienced film director.

next on the movie list:

1. Lars and the Real Girl
2. I'm Not There
3. 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days
4. Into the Wild

Please Feed Eyeballs Here

If there are any books, movies, new artists that you want to feed me, please make recoomendations here. if there's music that you want to suggest... well, this is a sore spot for me because i lost my nano 3 weeks ago, and well... lets just say i've been humming to myself a lot.

an odyssey through the mind of a recovering pothead

it's been 15 days since my last inhale of sweet mary jane. i'm not going to turn this into an MA diary, but it's a big deal for me. for the past 5 years, i've been a habitual marijuana smoker - a purist even because i took a lot of pride in always breaking my buds by hand and rolling with artisan pride.

although i didn't smoke that much, i was addicted. i used to count the minutes so that i could get home, shed my pants and bra, roll one perfect little joint and smoke half of it before i sank languidly into my couch for a night of mindless television.

loserville

sounds lame now, but at the time it was sheer bliss. it was my goddamn canadian right to get high whenever i wanted. and of course i still socialized, went to parties, talked on the phone, did enough stuff to stay on the other side of loserville. but after 5 years of living on my own... i realized i had nothing to show for it.

for the longest time i've longed to be an artist or a musician or both. and i lazily pursued these things by doodling sporadically in a sketchbook, and i bought an electric piano (a la Squints prize money) 2 years ago - in case i suddenly woke up one day as mozart or chopin or something. meanwhile, i smoked and watched a LOT of tv most of which i don't remember.

when shit starts to roll, it snowballs

and so, quite recently a series of events seemingly unrelated set into motion a 360* change in my life:

1. quit my old job
2. read a book
3. went to a halloween party

lobotomy

quitting my old job was the second most difficult thing i ever had to do. the first being when i dropped out of high school and ran away from home. i'm not being dramatic, but leaving my last agency was really emotionally difficult. and when i realized i could no longer rely on my job to provide enough stimulus in my life to keep me out of loserville... something inside me snapped pretty fucking hard.

salvation

the only thing that kept me mentally stable was a book that jen lent me, eat pray love, which i read so slowly in an attempt to draw out the good vibes for as long as i could. in a way, i was addicted to this book, needed it like a raft in the middle of a stormy ocean, and was terrified that the sky would fall in squash me like a puny, irrelevant lady bug if it ended. well, it ended, but nothing bad happened. surprise!

friends

i went to wes and amanda's annual halloween party in beeton, on. it was the First Night I Didn't Smoke and when i realized that i didn't miss it. i still had the best time playing a hand drum while wes and mark jammed on the guitar and mandolin; i had a really stimulating conversation about the ages of known universe; i woke up early and did a couple of sun salutations; and it was just... good. pure goodness. it wasn't the first time i hadn't smoked for a night or two, or even a week or two. but it was the first time i wasn't counting the days 'til my time-out was over. it was the first time i was adding up the days that i don't feel the need to escape from reality anymore. it's totally like "look, mommy, no hands!"

it was also at this party when i asked mark to give me music lessons. turns out, he was looking to give them and we agreed to start that very next sunday. auspicious!

being a fully functional human being

so now, my daily routine is this:

7:00 - roll out of bed from intensely vivid dreams that are easily and immediately analyzed
8:30 - drink homemade mexican coffee with instant oatmeal breakfast
9 - 12 - work
12 - 1 - eat delicious lunch from le gourmand
1 - 5 - work
6 - 7 - yoga
7 - 8 - piano
8 - 9 - dinner
9 - 10 - tv
10 - 11 - reading

then my weekends are filled with more yoga, my music lesson, visiting friends, lazy sunday breakfast, chores and other productive shit, and whatever arty thing i feel like doing like writing, drawing, etc.

balance.

now, i'm not stupid. i know one of these days, something will trip up this perfect, cyclical system i have devised to help myself become the person i feel like i should be. but for the first time since i declared my independence, i have the mental capacity to sustain and accommodate the demands of time. maybe i'll smoke again one day. maybe i'll start taking the language classes my mom's been bugging me to sign up for. maybe i'll start learning how to do my own taxes. whatever.

i'm just not afraid of running out of time to vegetate because i still vegetate a lot, just in small doses... just long enough for me to get bored and get off my ass and do something like carve a halloween pumpkin on the 12th of november, or write a long-awaited blog post.