i am matroishka

I call her Hailey because her eyes are an intense green/yellow like the cover of the latest Mark Z. Danielewski epic. She is a symbol of eternal youth, forever bathing in sunlight on a beach. Sounds sexy? She actually looks dangerously young, but that's besides the point. I painted her; she is a figment of my imagination that manifested herself into my reality. I think all painters must feel like this after they have created something special. After two miserable painting attempts, I was finally able to paint something coherent. To anyone but her and I, the painting holds no more depth than a pretty picture. But to us, it was an exploration of colour, texture and detail the likes of which I had never experienced before.

Most of my previous works have been in charcoal, pencil, basically just black and white because I was afraid of paint, and pencil crayons and pastels could never produce the richness I demanded. Painting always intimidated me because of its absolute Thereness. Paintings are sold for hundreds to thousands to millions of dollars and are hung in people's homes, museums and galleries. They are masterpieces. How many doodles and drawings ever make it on to people's walls? Probably more than I suspect, but still, there is something very intimidating about paint. And my previous attempts failed because I never knew what I wanted to paint. I would sit there with all my little squiggle squeezes of paint lined up in a row and I would paint a little here and paint a little there, but when no coherent idea formed on the canvas, I would get discouraged.

Last week, I was chatting with my manager, Jen, about painting and she said she was surprised that I didn't paint because I was such a good drawer. And as OBVIOUS as that may seem, it really never occurred to **me** that I could paint over my drawings. Stupid, right? I thought I had to paint from scratch, when the very simple key to unlocking my ability to paint has always been there.

So I drew a very simplistic sketch of what would eventually become Hailey, and the process of painting took on a life of its own.

Hailey isn't finished yet, but is very close. I worked on her all day on Saturday and I still haven't figured out where exactly she is yet, and I haven't quite finished her skin and lips. They lack depth. When she's finished, I will surely share her with you, my friends, with the help of our amazing new HP scanner/printer/photo printer.

I'm excited to get a few other paintings going at the same time because I know myself and I know I'll need at least two or three going at any given time to keep me interested. However, my apartment is too dark, and there simply are not enough hours of sunlight in the day to satisfy my cravings to create. I'm seriously considering investing in some proper lighting, although I just paid off my Christmas credit card bill and am not really in a good position to do so.

Oh, and I want to paint matroishkas (Russian nesting dolls). My friend, Jen, has a friend who works at Loomis and can get me a discount. Blank ones are surprisingly expensive.

That's the way the fortune cookie crumbles.

I got really angry at my mom the other night when she called to tell me what her fortune teller told her about me.

Chinese people are very superstitious - everything from the Number 4 to the Number 8, Chinese astrology and Feng Shui. All of which is embraced with blind faith that we might be able to control our destinies.

I was affected by my mother's superstition from an early age. I have always known that shortly after I was born, my mother went to see a fortune teller (by herself) and they told her that her daughter would grow up to be a very successful business woman. Imagine her growing concern when it became quite obvious from an early age that I'm a dreamy, artsy type who would choose my own imagination over a calculator anyday. I was forced throughout school to sacrifice my interest in the arts to make sure I had a well-rounded curriculum in order to get into law school or business school.

Since I ended up at neither, I can't help but wonder what I would be doing right now if I had been allowed to explore all the areas of the arts that I was interested: writing, drawing, painting, theatre, music, etc.etc.etc. Instead, I was force-fed piano lessons and as a result I have lost any ability to make music without sheet music to show me how. I can draw, but can't paint to save my life. And the only acting I get to do these days is around Ryan's dad's family where I have to filter everything I say lest I come off as too strange or wild.

Anyway, I got angry with her the other night because she told me "Babies born in the afternoon aren't as good as babies born in the morning." She wasn't able to elaborate as to what "good" or "bad" meant. I was born at noon.

I know all she wanted to do was to chat with me, but telling me this superstitious bullshit has only ever confused my grasp on life. I know logically that I should just ignore it, but having lived with it hanging over my head my entire life, I can't take shit like this lightly. And I refuse to let it back in my life anymore. It's difficult enough trying to make sense of life (what I should be doing, where do I want to go in life...); adding random, vague superstition to the equation only confuses things.

My mom says she doesn't take this superstitious stuff seriously, but she obviously does or she wouldn't bother with it at all. I think we all want to know our fortunes sometimes - to validate our actions and choices in life, but in the end - what does any of it matter? Fortune tellers can't help us solve a goddamn thing.

Dear Blog,

How long has it been since I felt the soft caress of cyberspace? Too long and now my heart is filled with dread that perhaps you have forgotten me. I have not forgotten you, sweet Blog. Though I write everyday in a manual notebook, I long to have my thoughts engraved in the deep folds of cyberspace for the world to read. If I could carry you in my purse, Blog, I certainly would.

Do people even use the term "cyberspace" anymore? There's a certain delicious tinge of retro that I, being a youngster, rarely have the priviledge of enjoying. I'm going to be 23 this year in March. It's not a milestone year, but I do want to throw a great big party to celebrate my early twenties while I'm still in it.

I always look forward to New Year though I don't usually keep my resolutions. I didn't have one this year because I can't say that there's any one particular thing that I want to focus on. I look at my life as an ongoing science/art project and my priorities change constantly depending on my mood, the demands of others, etc. etc. But I think resolutions are good and for some people, keeping a resolution can change their life forever! I guess for me, my resolution every year is to become a better person. Every year I try different techniques and experiment with different areas of my life. This year, I will be focusing mainly on health and order. These are two things that have been neglected for too long and somehow I will find the resources within myself to enforce some rules and regulation to my life - a life which til now has been devoted to rejecting and shitting on rules and regulations.

Maybe I'm finally growing up?

I shudder at the thought, but I'm tired of living my own lazy filth; breathing in the residue odour of my own apathy. Ryan will be happy to read this, but he will know not to interfere with my methods. Since I was an only child, I'm not used to sharing my thoughts with others and I generally do not require other people's unsolicited advice. People who know me well know to trust me to find my own way, even if it's not the way "most" people would approach things, I like to do things the way it works for me.

So 2006 ended quite nicely with the Python Christmas Party (where I lost my title as Squints Champion... It's sad I know), Fjord Holiday Party (bowling/kareoke party that was probably the best party this year), and the Cossette One Night In Paris Party (see pic below).


From left to right: LaLong (my yoga buddy and fellow Only Child), Stephen (web developper), Hugh (Flash extraordinaire), Nick (writer/singer/dancer), and me.

Here's to 2007!