Sun lin fai la!

Happy Chinese New Year!

I had a post all planned out today but I left it in the backseat of my mother's car. It was printed on the menu of the restaurant where we had our New Year dinner - the Joy Fortune Restaurnt.

Ironically, it was a list. A list I wanted to post in a blog. Har har har.

There were about 20 rules basically about when to say things. A few that I still recall are:

When you have something:

1. Good to say, say it at the right occasion.
2. Sad to share, be considerate and don't share it with every person you meet.
3. Important to say, say it slowly.
4. Insignifcant to say, say it humorously.
5. You have to do, do it before you talk about it.
6. Hurtful to say, don't say it.
7. To say about someone else, be careful what you say.
8. To discuss about yourself, listen to your heart.

CNY (Chinese New Year, Sun Lin) is about horoscopes, dragon dancing, 10 course meals, money and personal reflection. Proverbs old and new being thrown across the Lazy Susans filled with steaming dims sum... I wondered if the way we ate dinner was directly influenced by communism: everyone eats from the same plate, you eat what you can, and not a morsel of food is allowed to be wasted by the male members of the family.

For most of my life growing up, I discounted my family because they couldn't understand me. Now that I'm a little older, I feel like there's so much that I haven't tried to understand about them. It's so easy to take for granted your own culture when being Chinese is just part of being alive. But it struck me as a shame that I didn't know more about my home country's history.

We don't really do "resolutions", but every year we wish each other good health, good work and good fortune. As I look forward in the following Chinese calendar year, I will dedicate to learning more about my cultural background.

ASL?

Remember when online dating was suspicious and pervy? That's when I started. I was one of those teenagers who would look for internet boyfriends in ChatHouse, mIRC, Yahoo! Chat. My first internet boyfriend was a 16 year old Quake II tournament champion from Kansas City. When I got a bit older, I started meeting up with UofT students who lived in bachelor apartments in the Annex.

Few other girls I knew dated online back then. And certainly not as frequently or as intently as I. Once I moved to the city however, I stopped. It seemed childish to date online - how much more exciting to meet people in real life. I promised myself never to do it again.

And yet, online dating is more the norm now than not. This isn't the same as the online relationship I had with the boy in Kansas City, but more like the UofT students I met on Yahoo! Chat. Except now you can fill out personality tests and rate people and write profiles, etc. etc. You could spend hours a day checking up on all your various online dating accounts, connecting with new guys, chatting, setting up dates.

It's not for computer geeks anymore. I was at Fresh yesterday reading 1984 - or pretending to read because I was actually eavesdropping on the conversation next to me...

They were two girls in their late-twenties to early-thirties: health-conscious (Fresh regulars), professionals, regular bar/club goers, gym members (joggers), Facebook users. It's amazing how much I could glean about them based on this single conversation.

The entire evening was spent talking about online dating: PlentyOfFish, LavaLife, eHarmony... One girl's experience was that the more you date, the more refined your searching gets, and the better the guys you find.

Both girls have been in and out of relationships for a couple of years now, dating people for a couple of months here and there. They love having options. They don't want to settle down.

And there are others like them! Plans to get all the girls together every month to share dating stories. Supportive. Non-competitive. I'm curious about whether or not this monthly meeting will actually occur.

Beneath the banter, the forced optimism was palpable. These girls are braving it alone, not wanting to settle for anything less than they deserve. They're "putting it out there". But I think we all knew that try as we might... it's not really up to us who we love. Sure we can tip the scales, hedge our bets, be as cautious or as adventurous as we feel we need to be... but in the end, love happens when it's meant to happen.

Anyway, I just thought it was funny that online dating isn't childish or geeky anymore. Savvy, good-looking, smart people are doing it. But I can't help but wonder if opening up your dating arena to millions of potential partners might make things more complicated than they already are?

Remembering Me in Context

2008 was an eventful year to say the least. This isn’t something I say every year, like “there’s way more snow this year than last year”, I can honestly say that 2008 was a veritable avalanche of change.

Relationships

Last year, I was drowning in guilt for what I’d done. I felt like I had ruined everyone’s lives. What I did was wrong, and there are better ways of fixing your life than cheating and lying. But sometimes when you’re too scared to change your life, and something so sad is growing and consuming you, but you can’t put a name on it... you fuck shit up. Like a game of musical chairs, we all switched places, and yes it is still uncomfortable as new chairs tend to be, but I think we all ended up in places that make us happier as individuals. Sometimes I still feel sad for the past that had been so beautiful and good on many levels... but as each day passes, I wake up feeling more whole. More me.

Career

At Christmas dinner, I asked my cousin Kevin if he was still working at the same place, and he said, “Unlike you, I don’t change jobs every year.” It’s only been 2.5 years since I finished school and I’ve switched 3 jobs, and for my family who only see me once a year at Christmas, my job hopping probably seems excessive and unnecessary.

But my career is important to me, not only because of the money it brings, but this is how I spend 90% of my time. I don’t want to waste time staying at a company where I’m unhappy because I need the money; that isn’t worth it to me.

For me, satisfaction comes from having contributed something positive to the team as a whole on exciting work. Whether if it’s to spend extra time to do research to write a better strategy, or to stay til midnight to take a presentation to the printers, or to cheer up the office with some crazy story about pole dancing and dating, it’s worthwhile because everyone in the agency benefits.

For the first time in my short career, I can see myself growing indefinitely with my tiny team of 8 – soon to be 12. Soon to be... who knows? The foundation of Twist Image was laid in the main office in Montreal, and while the agency is still kind of young compared to some of the others, what has completely won me over is that the executive management actually understand the where the digital world is heading and leads the industry by action, not jazz-hands.

Family

My mother is getting married. It’s been almost 16 years since my parent’s divorce, and my mother hasn’t remarried since. Last summer, she met her ballroom dancing partner and now they’re planning on getting married in Q3 or Q4 of 2009.

It was completely unexpected, and yet when she called to tell me one beautiful, sunny, gorgeous day while I was bike riding in Stanley Park, Vancouver, I was genuinely happy and excited for her.

It’s been just her and I for a long time. And I think I’ve done everything a daughter can to separate myself from that relationship, seeking independence from an early age. Over the years, we worked out our differences, creating an understanding that I’m never going to turn out the way she imagined, that I can’t be an emotional substitute for my father, that I need to let go of all the bitterness of our past and trust her with the truth, etc.

They’re letting me handle the planning of it, but it’s not going to be elaborate or expensive. Just something fun and intimate... just like my mom. I look forward to standing beside her as she takes her vows, and wishing her all the happiness that she has made possible for me in my life.

Friendships

All my friendships moved to new levels this year. Those without solid foundations have tapered off. The others, blossomed with new warmth and genuine affection. From reuniting with old friends from elementary / high school to giving more of myself to the friends who need an open heart, a listening ear, and the perspective that only a caring friend can provide, I was there. Conversely – and even unusually – I accepted those things from my friends as well, finding them to be even stronger and lovelier people than I ever imagined.

And as those relationships continue to change where we can no longer be in each other’s pockets day in and out, at lunches and coffee breaks, I’m comforted by knowing that the depth of the foundation that has been laid is strong enough to withstand time and distance.

In many ways, my friends – who remind me about who I am and how far I’ve come – are the siblings I’ve never had. We are lucky when we find each other.

2009

2009 will be all about me. Now that I’ve proved to myself that I’m capable of making tough decisions and following through on them, that I’m able to stand on my own, that I have the love of friends and family to back me up... I’m ready. I don’t know at this point, on January 1^st, 2009, what the focus of the next phase of my life will be, but I will make the most of the momentum from 2008 to propel me forward.

Even though the new year emerged from a depth of pain I’d never experienced before, I also achieved immense triumphs. And although nothing will ever be the same... at least we’re all still here. And isn’t that the important thing?