Drill a hole in my wooden head and Insert Here.

Life has a way of answering your questions - you just have to keep yourself open for the answer.
In my last post, I lamented about how I felt left out of all the "fun" drunk people have. Last night showed me many things - a. I'm not socially retarded even though I don't drink. b. There's more to life than pretty people and parties.

These things I already knew. But the mainstream of popular culture bombards us with the idea that a. if your life doesn't revolve around pretty people and parties, then b. you are socially retarded ESPECIALLY if you don't drink.

For someone who spends as much time watching television as I do, it's no wonder I leaped into the pits of despair drama-queen style about my social status. I am, after all, still a young girl with unmentionable vulernabilities hidden in my psyche waiting for the least opportune moments to trigger itself and unleash that unholy beast known as Jealousy, Spite and Wrath. But life is a series of questions and answers, and last night's epiphany was all part of the spiritual quest I am on.


Lesson 1 of the evening: It doesn't matter what you're doing, as long as you're doing. Even if you suck.

First, I went to my break-dance class. I was terrible, but for some reason, I wasn't embarrassed. I suck! So what? Life goes on - the important thing is that I'm there and I'm learning. I'm determined to train my body to be able to do this because I'm still young and I still can.


Lesson 2: Stop being such a neurotic mad woman. What matters is WHAT happens, not what you THINK is happening.

I had to meet Ryan at the bar for a drink with the people from his office, but because it was so filthy hot and I was so sticky from my class, I decided to walk down King St. for a bit. I walk by 606 where my ex boyfriend works and saw his friend Matty. Matty and I used to get along pretty well, I think. We used to talk about piano and life and stuff. So I waved at him and he waved back. Maybe I was wrong, but I took the wave as an invitation to say hi and chat. I wasn't interested in talking about my ex boyfriend with him. Not anymore. Nothing left to say, really. But the bouncer (whose name I could never remember) stepped infront of me. Maybe I misread his intention, but as he chatted with me it occured to me that maybe he was trying to keep me away from Matty? Maybe I was just being paranoid, but I felt I had more to say to Matty than to the bouncer. As you can see, I was being super neurotic. Aside from the maybes, what happened was: I walked by 606 and talked to the bouncer about break-dancing. That's it.


I didn't learn that lesson right away. Because I was feeling slightly rejected and insulted (I mean, come on - I am NOT the crazy bitch psycho ex-girlfriend you need to hide behind a bouncer from), I decided to walk around through some side streets looking for a place where I could just sit and relax and stop thinking so goddamn much.

I walked by a giant church and considered sitting on its front steps, but some idiot thought it would be cool to light the front up as if it was some kind of concert venue. I wanted something less open. I wanted somewhere safe and enclosed.


Lesson 3: Once you have no standards, you are free to go beyond them.

Across the street was an art gallery where my old boss Rod used to always say he wanted to buy stone sculptures from so I thought I could sit on one of the sculptures. The gallery was closed, but still lit so I just stared at the paintings. I don't know if it's just because I like to draw a lot or what but when I look at a piece of art, I find I spend more time checking out things like brush strokes and bleeding than anything else. The featured artist did black and white life paintings, a lot like the charcoal drawings I do. Maybe I can paint too? I was inspired. Not inspired in the sense that I thought of something I could go home and draw, but by seeing someone else's work, I could imagine myself working on my own art. It's not difficult. There are no rules with art, no rights or wrongs. It's possibly one of the easiest things you can do like breathing and blinking.


Lesson 4: When life teaches you a lesson, you need to create something with it and share it with those around you. If you keep your life all to yourself, you would not exist.

So I thought to myself, what am I doing here whining about what some skinny barback thinks of me? I barely knew the guy... only that he was a big doormat who let his cokehead girlfriend walk all over him (this is not spite talking... he really is like that and she really did do that). So as I was staring at these paintings, I was finally able to drive away my insecurities and focus on my possibilities. I COULD paint if I wanted to. I just need an eisle (which I wanted to get anyway), some pre-stretched canvases and some acrylic paints. I make art that could make people happy, cry, scream... share my experiences and my ideas.


You can only stare at the same paintings so long, though. On that lonely side street, I wasn't ready to go to the bar, and what I really wanted - no needed - was more art. Art is a relfection of one's emotions (methinks), and I wanted to experience someone else's because I was So Done with dealing with mine.


Lesson 5: The secret to a really good time is just people who are willing to listen and share.

A side door to another gallery was propped open by a big rock, and there was a little grey tabby cat curled up on the step. Tell me that's not the most inviting door in the universe? I walked inside, "Hello!" Next thing I knew, I was introduced to Olivier (the artist and gallery owner) and Ryan (a graffiti artist), sipping green tea and just chatting about art, break-beats and life.


When I finally left after my little tea cup was drained and the cats were vying for Olivier's attention, I was exhilerated. I made a new friend and I finally learned that those false images of the good life shown on TV are just an empty dream full of fake smiles and heavily mascaraed eyes. I'm not the same girl Matty and Anonymous Bouncer knew. I'm not the geeky, socially inept retard that hot girls pick on on TV. I have talents and I have fears; there are people out there who are going to open up to me and I should reciprocate generously; there are also people out there who just aren't going to be on my wavelength, and I need to be ok with that or I'm going to be stressed about something I can't help. Life is too short and too precious to let petty societal shit trip me up.

These lessons are not new... I have watched movies about them, read books about them, talked to myself about them... everything but do something about them. So here I am, writing them down so I won't forget again. It's time for me to listen to my life lessons because I'm really tired of repeating the same mistakes over and over again.