Creative Constipation
As much as I love art, it doesn't come easy to me. Being a very thoughtful person, I often have to fight through a fog of overwhelming thoughts that keep me from being able to let loose those creative juices etc. This probably explains why I've never written a song even though I play piano, I can't seem to write any stories though I love to write, and I've never been able to produce a piece of art outside of my sketchbook.
It's frustrating when the skills come very easily to me but the creative process is so limited. Drugs never worked. I look back longingly to my childhood when I could and did draw everything and wrote stories about anything. I believed that when I grew up, I'd have all this wisdom and insight and culture that would channel through my fingers that would create something amazing.
Maybe I'm just not grown up yet.
Which Artist's Way?
I tried "doing" The Artists Way, and while it's a fantastic read and gives a lot of good suggestions, it didn't really solve my problem. I know it's supposed to un-stuck people who are stuck creatively, but my artist-block runs so deep I can literally feel it in my gut. It's like creative constipation.
What should I draw? What do I feel like drawing? What should I write about? What do I feel like writing about? What kind of music do I want to make? Does my voice sound as bad as I think it does? Who's my favourite artist? What kind of statement do I want to make?
These types of questions clog up the flow of any kind of spontaneity that might have allowed me to actually do something creative. But instead, I think and I think and I think my drawings and writing to death.
And don't even get me started about music.
Imagine taking classical piano for 10 straight years and not being able to do anything on those keys except read and memorize music. Not all classical students are like this of course, many actually learned enough from their training that they're able to sight-read and write songs. But not me. Why not me?
It may have something to do with my brain and training. I realized this soon after I started taking music lessons with Mark Ayton who I had met frequently at our friends parties where he'd astound me on his mandolin and make everyone laugh with his goofy blues solos. I consider it a blessing that our paths crossed and that he actually wanted to teach me about music.
It became apparent after our first class that all that piano training did was cause my mind to go into a cataonic trance everytime i sat down before a sheet of music. So the first thing to go was the sheet music. Mark has been slowly untangling the knots that my old piano teacher had slipped in every corner of my mind so that I'd be able to memorize enough songs adequately to pass each year's exams. And so she never needed to teach me anything about music at all.
Not that I blame her since I wasn't the most apt pupil, but still...
Now I wonder if there might be a way to untangle my other talents. I have a suspicion that the more writing I started to do for school, and the more art I had to hand in for my art assignments, the more I somehow started blocking the part of me that only did things for my own pleasure.
The problem is that I enjoyed creating for other people's pleasure. I liked being given assignments and blowing it out of the water. But I guess in many ways... this is too easy. And education isn't meant to stunt your growth, it's supposed to represent the beginning.
And so as I wander towards yet another hopeful summer - hopeful that I'll finally paint that matroishka; hopeful to paint something for my own home; hopeful that I might be able to jam with my friends... I'm a bit more optimistic this year. If Mark can untangle my love of music to the point where I can play for hours, singing, sounding out tunes that I like... then there must be a way for the rest to follow.
It's frustrating when the skills come very easily to me but the creative process is so limited. Drugs never worked. I look back longingly to my childhood when I could and did draw everything and wrote stories about anything. I believed that when I grew up, I'd have all this wisdom and insight and culture that would channel through my fingers that would create something amazing.
Maybe I'm just not grown up yet.
Which Artist's Way?
I tried "doing" The Artists Way, and while it's a fantastic read and gives a lot of good suggestions, it didn't really solve my problem. I know it's supposed to un-stuck people who are stuck creatively, but my artist-block runs so deep I can literally feel it in my gut. It's like creative constipation.
What should I draw? What do I feel like drawing? What should I write about? What do I feel like writing about? What kind of music do I want to make? Does my voice sound as bad as I think it does? Who's my favourite artist? What kind of statement do I want to make?
These types of questions clog up the flow of any kind of spontaneity that might have allowed me to actually do something creative. But instead, I think and I think and I think my drawings and writing to death.
And don't even get me started about music.
Imagine taking classical piano for 10 straight years and not being able to do anything on those keys except read and memorize music. Not all classical students are like this of course, many actually learned enough from their training that they're able to sight-read and write songs. But not me. Why not me?
It may have something to do with my brain and training. I realized this soon after I started taking music lessons with Mark Ayton who I had met frequently at our friends parties where he'd astound me on his mandolin and make everyone laugh with his goofy blues solos. I consider it a blessing that our paths crossed and that he actually wanted to teach me about music.
It became apparent after our first class that all that piano training did was cause my mind to go into a cataonic trance everytime i sat down before a sheet of music. So the first thing to go was the sheet music. Mark has been slowly untangling the knots that my old piano teacher had slipped in every corner of my mind so that I'd be able to memorize enough songs adequately to pass each year's exams. And so she never needed to teach me anything about music at all.
Not that I blame her since I wasn't the most apt pupil, but still...
Now I wonder if there might be a way to untangle my other talents. I have a suspicion that the more writing I started to do for school, and the more art I had to hand in for my art assignments, the more I somehow started blocking the part of me that only did things for my own pleasure.
The problem is that I enjoyed creating for other people's pleasure. I liked being given assignments and blowing it out of the water. But I guess in many ways... this is too easy. And education isn't meant to stunt your growth, it's supposed to represent the beginning.
And so as I wander towards yet another hopeful summer - hopeful that I'll finally paint that matroishka; hopeful to paint something for my own home; hopeful that I might be able to jam with my friends... I'm a bit more optimistic this year. If Mark can untangle my love of music to the point where I can play for hours, singing, sounding out tunes that I like... then there must be a way for the rest to follow.
Labels: Creativity
posted by min_o at
6:38 PM
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