To dance is to be human.

This post was inspired by a comment I made on my friend Winnie's Facebook status the other day. It struck me how true and right this statement felt though I'm pretty sure that I must've heard it somewhere else before as these things tend to happen.

I remember the first time someone told me I can't dance. I was 3 or 4. The person; my mother. My ballet lessons ended.

Then there was the first time I remember dancing with friends at a 7th grade party. We were all pretty self conscious, but this 8th grade asshole standing nearby felt compelled to single me out amongst my peers and loudly said to a friend, "Jasmin can't dance."

Freedom.

Strangely, these instances that are burned in my memory did not stop me from doing what I love. I still rue the day my future as a prima ballerina was lost, and I still shrink from the embarrassment of that day in the 7th grade, but in a way when I dance, I dance for the me that lived in those moments. I dance for the artist I wanted to be and the girl who just wanted to have fun. I dance for them because everything turned out alright... in fact, everything turned out awesome.

In moments of pure disappointment or rejection, we can often see much more clearly into our hearts. What was really important to me wasn't my mother's praise or my friends' acceptance. When I was forced to accept these truths, I opened up to other aspects of dance and music that I might never have discovered.

I dance because that is the only way I can fully understand and embrace music. I am one of those people who can dance to anything - from some really hilarious pop'n'lock to interpretive, I'll do it if it'll put a smile on your face. Or mine. Sometimes I like to tell a story in my dance, and sometimes it's to get attention. Sometimes it's just to let it all hang out, and sometimes it's just to be close to someone.

Dancing to remember. Dancing to forget.

Dancing has taught me so much about myself and is a big part of my personal philosophy too. In dance as in life, we need to just flow. Our senses need to be heightened so we can feel the minutae of energy that moves around us in order for us to act and react; become one with the music and those around around us.

And I know that even people who don't dance in public must dance. In the privacy of their bedroom, when a song comes up that makes them want to jump and shout, gyrate and crunk, head bang and power slide. I know we ALL do it! And that's what I mean when to dance is to be human.

Unconditional Love - Thought #1

Unconditional. Love.

These two words promise a lot and is usually associated to religion and mothers. They were words that were spoken to me by a spiritual seer of sorts (a psychic if you must) - she told me that my purpose in life is to teach the world about unconditional love.

Tall order.

And considering the current state of affairs, my response is: "Really?! Me? Really??? Really."

Huh.

The love that I have known has never been unconditional - neither from my mother or that which I've given to others thus far in my life. Even though Jesus seemed to love everyone unconditionally, he sure handed down a heavy bag of rules. If anything, Buddha had it pretty right on... loving life and not the egos of people.

It seems like there are always conditions in regards to love: "If this and then that". Love tends to be coupled with bias, ulterior motives, desire, fear... even naiveté and self-negation. Have I ever loved someone without thinking "Well, of course I love him because... [fill in the blank]"? Doesn't unconditional mean that there isn't a "because"?

In my world: value, references, research, facts, justifications, judgements drive nearly all our decisions and actions in life, love, career path, shopping habits, etc. So is unconditional love even something worthy of pursuit? Doesn't it just sound like a recipe for disaster? Or is it just some smart psychic's way getting me to leave a $20 tip on the table?

Or maybe unconditional love isn't to be blind or unthinking - maybe it means to be aware of all the factors, all parties, all possible outcomes (both wonderful and horrible), and make the conscious decision to love someone for the sake of their own self and the light they bring into your life.

Walking the Line

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to live a monastic life. Having my own space and more time to my own thoughts than what I know to do with, I've been even more contemplative than usual.

A Buddhist monk lives by two rules:

1. Chastity
2. Poverty

Unlike most other religions, Obedience is not a vow that Buddhist monks are required to take. Nor are they to commit to a single leader. It's expected for monks to be able to rule and govern their own spiritual path as well as physicial well-being. Spiritual and individual independence comes first.

"Vinaya is for the sake of discipline, discipline for the sake of freedom from remorse, freedom from remorse for the sake of relaxation, relaxation for the sake of rapture, rapture for the sake of calm, calm for the sake of bliss, bliss for the sake of samadhi, samadhi for the sake of insight and knowing things as they are, insight and knowing of things as they are for the sake of disenchantment, disenchantment for the sake of dispassion, dispassion for the sake of liberation, liberation for the sake of insight and knowledge of liberation, insight and knowledge of liberation for the sake of total unbinding without clinging." (Pv.XII.2)

During Buddha's lifetime, he and his disciples came up with 250 rules for the Vinaya, all created by circumstance and all with exceptions to the rule. Since Obedience wasn't a vow, no one was punished, but to break the Vinaya was a personal burden that a monk would have to carry on his own. For someone whose life is devoted to meditation and enlightenment, to do something "wrong" would require a personal penance to oneself - whatever that may be.

There have been way too many occasions in my past where I acted too impulsively and excessively. Had I just taken a step back at those critical points and reflected, I feel certain that my inner wisdom could have prevailed. But I was afraid of losing my nerve I guess - or afraid of losing the moment, so I rushed forward. Some lessons are only learned when the cold, wet pavement hits your face and your teeth fall out.

As I contemplate the next phase of my life, I will look inward for the path I need to take. And I think a few monastic vows to myself wouldn't hurt either.

My Blogger History

It's amazing how long it's been since I sat down and wrote here. For awhile, I shied away because this is connected to Facebook and with over 300 friends, I started feeling a bit shy about blogging again.

The thing with this blog is it's where I let myself explore the darkest recesses of my Self. And while I'm sure not that many people actually read it, I think there are more silent readers now than before.

In the original days of Everytime I Feel Like Alice, there were only a handful of readers: The NotSelf, Datura's Garden, Sweaty Blistered Sneaker Toe, Fudge and Pazzol Rama. If you knew them, you would know that this is a very unique group of people and it's been a priviledge blogging with them.

So knowing that the audience is a bit wider now, I'm still feeling shy about talking about my personal life at the moment. However, I'm enjoying this walk down memory blog lane, and will continue down this path until there is nothing more to add.

What's in a name?

The name Everytime I Feel Like Alice is a line out of a story I wrote in 2004 based on a most memorable mushroom trip. There's an obvious connection between Alice and mushroom trip, but the phrase is more significant than that at least to me personally.

I've been known to be impulsive - it's both a weakness and a strength of mine. A weakness in that sometimes I do things without considering the full consequences and a strength because it allows me to go places I probably wouldn't go if I actually thought about it. The result is that I often put myself in situations that are thrilling and uncomfortable.

These bouts of impulsiveness can be described as Times I Feel Like Alice. It's a rush like falling down a tunnel and you don't know when it might stop and you don't know if you're going to land on your head or your ass. Or your feet and your knees break.

Remember ICQ?

DelinquencySignal is a handle I used to use in high school. I used it on ICQ for a little while - I changed my nickname often back then. But I really love the sound of it and have been lucky to get it for my blog name as well as my YouTube channel name.

I think this name really sheds light on the shit-disturber side of me, which I'm sure for some of you may be difficult to imagine. But ask my mother. She will tell you. That's all I need to say about that.

Properties

Blogger isn't my first blog. From 1998-2003, I ran my own Geocities website called Krazyjasmine's Krazy Website that used to attract 200 new visitors per month. I was amused with spelling my own name "wrong" (there's no E!). This was essentially a blog where I wrote about my day, my friends, my woes, my joys... But it also had many incarnations including a fan site for my Quake II clan, Clan [519] and my high school crew: Bitch Ass Crew, which included a members section.

Blog Philosophy

Blogging is not for everyone. I'm not even sure if it's for me. But I think essentially what always brings me back to it is my love of this vast interweb where my words, my thoughts, my dreams becomes one with the great www.

There's nothing spiritual about it, though. Don't get me wrong, I do not worship the internet. It's the sheer fact of it, of all of this information being stored in machines and shared across the world through wires and microwaves... the reality of it inspires me to blog. To participate in my own insignificant way. Here... no contribution is too small because the reward is personal. You get what you put in. And there's beauty in that.

the basic elements of love and creativity

Before there was life, there were the four elements. Air. Earth. Water. Fire.

These elements were separate, yet they were comprised of the same basic elemental force.

One day, something changed the way these elements existed. unconscious of one another. A feeling of attraction overcame the elements, thus the origin of life.

What brought the elements together? Was it something within the elements - something that stirred in the elemental force that bound them? Or was there an outside catalyst?

Humanity has been searching for an answer since we were able to form thoughts. Men and women have dedicated entire lives to solve this mystery, and many lives have been lost fighting wars in an attempt to win this argument with violence.

Before there was life, these elements existed without history or observation. Although we cannot recreate the beginning of time, there is a more common denomination of attraction that humanity has the ability to understand: love.

Not to be confused with desire, true love comes from a deep place within us and grows exponentially and irrationally with time. So perhaps, these elements who complemented each other so naturally for so many lifetimes began to develop a fondness for one another. Although they took vastly different forms, they recognized that they were basically the same. In this recognition came acceptance. In unquestioned acceptance came love.

As these elements opened up to each other, they began to create using their varied attributes. Through these actions and reactions, they evolved into more than just four elements. So deep and so strong was their love, that they began the limitless, wonderous and unstoppable experiment that is creation.

Photography by Philip Toledano. Visit: mrtoledano.com