MIA

I think I stopped blogging around the time when my grandmother passed away. I haven't been talking about it, it's still difficult to think about it, but that's partly the reason why I was MIA from the blogosphere for two months.

It was a very strange time for me because she was the first person in my immediate family to pass away in my lifetime. My grandparents and my aunt in Hong Kong (dad's side of the family) passed away a few years ago, but that didn't hurt so much because they were far away. I suspect that I will feel their loss much more the next time I visit. The last time I visited was almost four years ago. It'll be strange to go back and not have the grandparents to eat dinner with and brag to about my "success" in Canada.

My mom's mom's passing was a little different because I had to be there. I was there all summer visiting her at the hospital, crying at strange times when I found myself facing the reality of death - not only of my grandmother, but of every single person I hold dear. Obviously, it's not healthy to think like that, but at the time, death was staring me in the face, calling me on the phone crying, and I had nothing else to do but to deal with it the best I could - I hid.

I didn't want to blog anymore because all I could think was morbid thoughts; I didn't want to talk about it because all I wanted to talk about was how everyone was going to die. Some people might recommend it - purge all those bitter emotions - but the last thing I wanted to do was wallow in it. I took minimal days off from work and basically threw myself into my new job that my grandmother never knew about and just fucking forced myself to not worry about it.

It's been two months now and I can finally share this. This which might have posed a gigantic ?uestion Mark above your head - those of you who are used to me sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. Thank you for being there for me whether you knew I needed it or not.

Next post won't be so heavy. I promise!