If I hide my neuroses between photographs, maybe no one will notice!

I think it started yesterday morning. I woke up and found that the resume that I was updating to send to some job prospects had been closed without saving. I'm not blaming Ryan, he said he didn't close the program. I should've saved it before I got off the computer. But anyway, I think it was at that very moment, I felt something change in the air. The vibes were off.







Contrastingly, the night before had been Fabulous. I was in high spirits, I rocked out to back-to-back Yeah Yeah Yeah albums and then Magneta Lane. I entertained fantasies of becoming rich and successful and fabulous. Then Kellie came over with brilliant news of her new up-and-coming job, and we went out for dinner with Leann and took a midnight bicycle adventure down by the lake where there was a lantern festival and we almost road right off the unfinished boardwalk.














So the next morning, I just felt shitty. The shittiness continued into the evening when I had committed myself to fixing up my resumes and sending off three different coverletters, but I ended up smoking myself into a coma and feeling quite sorry for myself.














I just don't think I'm ready to leave where I am. I had just started feeling good at my internship, getting to know some people better, and feeling like maybe I could start being myself finally. And now, thinking about applying to different jobs and going to interviews makes it difficult to concentrate at work. I'm afraid to commit myself because I don't know how long I'm going to be here.














Being an intern is such a mind-boggling status. You're there to learn, but not to commit. You're there to help, but on anything long-term. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be an intern. I can't do things half-way. When I do things half-way, I feel like an asshole, and worse, I feel like everyone knows I'm being an asshole. I never did co-op at school, I've only ever worked in a swim-or-sink environment and I desperately want to swim here, but I'm afraid I'm going to get swooped up out of the bowl at any second.

I had two very real, very possible job opportunities that I have no doubt lost because I've sat on it for too long. I don't want to be the girl who sends her resume in late. Had I been able to send the resume yesterday morning as I had planned because as of Monday night, my resume had been updated, I would probably (hopefully) be hearing back from them next week. But some mysterious force had fucked me up neurotically. I let myself choke. I let myself feel sorry for myself.

asdfjk;lasdfjko;sdafjkldsfjkls;df














I'm praying that they offer me a job here. To be quite honest, I don't really want to go anywhere else. At least not at this point. There is still too much I haven't learned. There is too much I haven't yet sunk my teeth into. I don't want to start at a new entry level position where I'd have to relearn everything all over again, or worse, have to take on even more redundant tasks as most entry level positions require. Here, I've already proven myself worthy of more. There's no where to go but up. Anywhere else, I'd be back at the bottom rung.