Purge
Life is balance. I'm always trying to find balance in my life, but the state of perfection was never meant to last more than a beautiful fleeting moment.
This was probably the most stressful week ever - and when I came in to work this morning, it was like everything I was so worried about had come true. Kind of like showing up at school naked and realizing it's not a dream. I am so embarrassed because there's no hiding from responsibility. And I'm a firm believer in being accountable for my own fuck-ups. When my ex-boyfriend from high-school's mom ALMOST caught us having sex in her house, I wrote her a letter explaining to her how much I cared about her son and how we were being 100% safe and responsible.
I'm still curious about what she thought about that letter, but she certainly never talked to me about it. She treated me the same as before she caught us and I think she always knew I was too smart for her son.
Anyway, maybe because I was brought up by my single Chinese mother, but I have an insatiable desire to apologize for everything. It's probably my greatest weakness, I'm so willing to take the blame. This stems from my mother not ever letting me get away with stupidity - I have to face my own shameful, bleeding insides - give it air and sunlight so that it can heal and get better. As a result, I've become a pretty submissive person when it comes to working with others and this post is one of those shameful, bleeding posts I must make in order to get over it and move on.
The good news is, I don't even have to tell you anything about it. The details aren't important, what has had me so forlorn all day is the fact that I let everyone down, including the client, and though everyone has been very nice and supportive, not pointing any fingers, I know deep down that there must have been something I could have done better - a decision I could have made that could have diverted this fiasco.
Learning how to make decisions in a fast-paced environment like this is part of the job. Why can't I just naturally be smarter? Yes, even smarter and more "cerebral" than I already am! The problem is, I'm smarter in writing than I am in person. I'm afraid to speak up, I get nervous when I speak to people I'm imitated by (which includes so many people I have no idea why - anything from seniority, attitude, education, I'm just a messy ball of insecurity sometimes when I'm not feeling like the hottest shit in the universe), and I st-st-st-stutter when I get nervous! My impressive vocabulary is never anywhere to be found and I just hate this inferiority complex I have to deal with.
Maybe I'm bi-polar or something, but there are weeks when I'm so confident, I feel like I might be suffering from delusions of grandeur, and then other weeks when I think at any moment I might get fired (like today).
Anyway, this is not a good post. I almost wish I didn't write all this out because I think for the most part, you know exactly who I am and I am not always this neurotic, in fact, I've been told I'm one of the most un-neurotic women that a couple of my boyfriends (past and present) have ever met. So, I leave you with this...
@(>_<)@
I have always hated being the monkey in the middle. But now it's actually my job.
This was probably the most stressful week ever - and when I came in to work this morning, it was like everything I was so worried about had come true. Kind of like showing up at school naked and realizing it's not a dream. I am so embarrassed because there's no hiding from responsibility. And I'm a firm believer in being accountable for my own fuck-ups. When my ex-boyfriend from high-school's mom ALMOST caught us having sex in her house, I wrote her a letter explaining to her how much I cared about her son and how we were being 100% safe and responsible.
I'm still curious about what she thought about that letter, but she certainly never talked to me about it. She treated me the same as before she caught us and I think she always knew I was too smart for her son.
Anyway, maybe because I was brought up by my single Chinese mother, but I have an insatiable desire to apologize for everything. It's probably my greatest weakness, I'm so willing to take the blame. This stems from my mother not ever letting me get away with stupidity - I have to face my own shameful, bleeding insides - give it air and sunlight so that it can heal and get better. As a result, I've become a pretty submissive person when it comes to working with others and this post is one of those shameful, bleeding posts I must make in order to get over it and move on.
The good news is, I don't even have to tell you anything about it. The details aren't important, what has had me so forlorn all day is the fact that I let everyone down, including the client, and though everyone has been very nice and supportive, not pointing any fingers, I know deep down that there must have been something I could have done better - a decision I could have made that could have diverted this fiasco.
Learning how to make decisions in a fast-paced environment like this is part of the job. Why can't I just naturally be smarter? Yes, even smarter and more "cerebral" than I already am! The problem is, I'm smarter in writing than I am in person. I'm afraid to speak up, I get nervous when I speak to people I'm imitated by (which includes so many people I have no idea why - anything from seniority, attitude, education, I'm just a messy ball of insecurity sometimes when I'm not feeling like the hottest shit in the universe), and I st-st-st-stutter when I get nervous! My impressive vocabulary is never anywhere to be found and I just hate this inferiority complex I have to deal with.
Maybe I'm bi-polar or something, but there are weeks when I'm so confident, I feel like I might be suffering from delusions of grandeur, and then other weeks when I think at any moment I might get fired (like today).
Anyway, this is not a good post. I almost wish I didn't write all this out because I think for the most part, you know exactly who I am and I am not always this neurotic, in fact, I've been told I'm one of the most un-neurotic women that a couple of my boyfriends (past and present) have ever met. So, I leave you with this...
@(>_<)@
I have always hated being the monkey in the middle. But now it's actually my job.
Labels: advertising, balance, job, personal growth
posted by min_o at
4:27 PM
6 Comments:
this is my FAVORITE post by far. amazing.
and oh god can i relate.
aye captain.
aye.
u guys just like it when i'm all naked and crying inside. sadists!
I typed about fourteen inspirational things that I then deleted and started over with, but they all sound so hokey and like I'm talking down to you like you don't already know.
As much as I'd like to zen-ly take it all in strides, what I really do is get angry at the job and aggressively take my revenge within myself by beating the job's ass all over the place.
There's a fine line between artistic discipline and neurosis.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
did you say naked and crying? you lost me after naked and crying
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