the Universe is Calling

I found this post last Monday night. Nothing on this Vice Magazine message board had anything remotely to do with me. But for some reason, this Stacey girl was looking for me last May.

So, I looked up 72andSunny and find out it's an ad agency based in California AND Amsterdam. Excitement Level: Very High. It felt like something had reached out across the universe and grabbed me by the ear.

Turns out they are currently hiring for a new receptionist. But at least I know who they are - and they work with some pretty cool clients like XBox.

In this sequence of identical grey Toronto winter days, can you blame me for dreaming of the west coast? Ryan and I even discussed it so far as to what we would do if they really did have a job to offer me - I would move to California for a year to see if the job is stable and if life was financially sustainable, and if after a year, I didn't want to come back, he would look into the option of joining me.

So even though 72andSunny wasn't calling me from across the universe, perhaps this was to spark some foresight into a decision I may have to make later. I hold no illusions that I'm even close to ready to work competitively in the States, but the option is always there. Ideal European Places: Spain, Amsterdam, London, Berlin...

As I nurse my sledgehammer cold, I daydream of places that are 72* and sunny.

Purge

Life is balance. I'm always trying to find balance in my life, but the state of perfection was never meant to last more than a beautiful fleeting moment.

This was probably the most stressful week ever - and when I came in to work this morning, it was like everything I was so worried about had come true. Kind of like showing up at school naked and realizing it's not a dream. I am so embarrassed because there's no hiding from responsibility. And I'm a firm believer in being accountable for my own fuck-ups. When my ex-boyfriend from high-school's mom ALMOST caught us having sex in her house, I wrote her a letter explaining to her how much I cared about her son and how we were being 100% safe and responsible.

I'm still curious about what she thought about that letter, but she certainly never talked to me about it. She treated me the same as before she caught us and I think she always knew I was too smart for her son.

Anyway, maybe because I was brought up by my single Chinese mother, but I have an insatiable desire to apologize for everything. It's probably my greatest weakness, I'm so willing to take the blame. This stems from my mother not ever letting me get away with stupidity - I have to face my own shameful, bleeding insides - give it air and sunlight so that it can heal and get better. As a result, I've become a pretty submissive person when it comes to working with others and this post is one of those shameful, bleeding posts I must make in order to get over it and move on.

The good news is, I don't even have to tell you anything about it. The details aren't important, what has had me so forlorn all day is the fact that I let everyone down, including the client, and though everyone has been very nice and supportive, not pointing any fingers, I know deep down that there must have been something I could have done better - a decision I could have made that could have diverted this fiasco.

Learning how to make decisions in a fast-paced environment like this is part of the job. Why can't I just naturally be smarter? Yes, even smarter and more "cerebral" than I already am! The problem is, I'm smarter in writing than I am in person. I'm afraid to speak up, I get nervous when I speak to people I'm imitated by (which includes so many people I have no idea why - anything from seniority, attitude, education, I'm just a messy ball of insecurity sometimes when I'm not feeling like the hottest shit in the universe), and I st-st-st-stutter when I get nervous! My impressive vocabulary is never anywhere to be found and I just hate this inferiority complex I have to deal with.

Maybe I'm bi-polar or something, but there are weeks when I'm so confident, I feel like I might be suffering from delusions of grandeur, and then other weeks when I think at any moment I might get fired (like today).

Anyway, this is not a good post. I almost wish I didn't write all this out because I think for the most part, you know exactly who I am and I am not always this neurotic, in fact, I've been told I'm one of the most un-neurotic women that a couple of my boyfriends (past and present) have ever met. So, I leave you with this...

@(>_<)@

I have always hated being the monkey in the middle. But now it's actually my job.

n a m a s t e

From me to you with love.

How can everything suck so bad but feel so good?

This is not a work blog. I'm not going to gripe about work on this blog because there is so much more to life than just work. There's music, art, friends and family, all this richness that I have to admit, the fact that I make a regular salary is definately a benefit in facilitating all these wonderful areas of my life.

But today was FUCKED! Basically, I've been trying to coordinate an online survey with someone in Montreal and they made a last-minute, critical decision without notifying me or anyone on my team about it, and then my manager got all intensely disatisfied and I felt like such a dumbass for not being more "proactive" on the project, and yeah, it totally was my fault for not calling them last night to check up on them even though I was here til 7:30, but it's also true that they should have notified me sooner - before they made the decision, but anyway, this is one of those days when I really hate this bullshit back and forth, and I'm trying very hard not to take this personally because I'm still learning yes, I'm still young and learning and I can't be perfect all the time.

Sigh.

The DECEMBERISTS were super-fantastique last night! Their latest album is a total snooze, but they are wonderful musicians and got all 1,000 people at the Koolhaus singing and dancing together. I haven't seen that many bands who do this (as in interact with the crowd and get them involved with the show). In my experience, it's only been the Decemberists and Akron/Family - two of my favouritest bands. I don't like the idea of musicians being worshipped like gods, acting like they're doing us a favour for putting on a show. But that's the hippie side of me talking, all men are equal, blah blah blah. I say this now, but see if I don't piss myself if I ever met Madonna or Bono in real life.

But you know the scene in Baraka where a crowd of native African people are waving their hands in the air and out infront of them and making a crazy sound. Now place yourself at dingy little Lee's Palace, suffocatingly hot because they never turn on the air for concerts, and imagine all these trendy little indie tits doing this in concert with the band, Akron/Family. Fucking awesome!

O Lord, open my heart,
Lord bring me near!
Lord, open my heart, and
Turn it into a mirror.
To reflect the myriad colour lights
of Love and Space.

- Akron/Family

I'm not a religious person - in fact, I would be inclined to change the word "lord" to "please" - but I'm a pretty spiritual person in that I feel very connected to this crazy world of ours. I'm sensitive to the changes in the air, the changes in politics and culture, and to me, love and space are the elements that tie us all together - sentient beings to non.

Singing that song at an Akron/Family show is the closest I've ever come to feeling a spiritual connection with an unorganized religion - and that's the way I like it!

MIA

I think I stopped blogging around the time when my grandmother passed away. I haven't been talking about it, it's still difficult to think about it, but that's partly the reason why I was MIA from the blogosphere for two months.

It was a very strange time for me because she was the first person in my immediate family to pass away in my lifetime. My grandparents and my aunt in Hong Kong (dad's side of the family) passed away a few years ago, but that didn't hurt so much because they were far away. I suspect that I will feel their loss much more the next time I visit. The last time I visited was almost four years ago. It'll be strange to go back and not have the grandparents to eat dinner with and brag to about my "success" in Canada.

My mom's mom's passing was a little different because I had to be there. I was there all summer visiting her at the hospital, crying at strange times when I found myself facing the reality of death - not only of my grandmother, but of every single person I hold dear. Obviously, it's not healthy to think like that, but at the time, death was staring me in the face, calling me on the phone crying, and I had nothing else to do but to deal with it the best I could - I hid.

I didn't want to blog anymore because all I could think was morbid thoughts; I didn't want to talk about it because all I wanted to talk about was how everyone was going to die. Some people might recommend it - purge all those bitter emotions - but the last thing I wanted to do was wallow in it. I took minimal days off from work and basically threw myself into my new job that my grandmother never knew about and just fucking forced myself to not worry about it.

It's been two months now and I can finally share this. This which might have posed a gigantic ?uestion Mark above your head - those of you who are used to me sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. Thank you for being there for me whether you knew I needed it or not.

Next post won't be so heavy. I promise!

Holy Fuck

Could I have waited any longer to update my blog? Needless to say, much has changed since my last post. I don't even remember what I wrote last time, but who cares.

I'm much more comfortable at work now - one might say that I'm actually happy at work now. The job like all jobs has its up-days and down-days, but mostly I just love working with the people here. There's definately a strong sense of teamwork within the department and I think for the most part, people are very accepting and encouraging of other people's quirks. I think people enjoy it when I shock them with my obscene sense of humor and potty mouth. Of course I still keep myself in check (this isn't porno afterall), but today par example, we were gathered around the lunch table eating cheese, discussing how some people don't like certain words like "bush", "panties", "moist", "cunt" and "cock". Y'all who are reading this are probably smirking a snobby porno smirk because we have all heard, seen and said much worse. I guess I must have softened since working for Python - I actually found this conversation amusing with cheese.

I also joined a gym! I've never joined a gym before; never ever had to think about staying in shape before, but I found that within the 6 months that I have been working here, I've gained around 10 lbs! Some of it I'm not complaining about - at 22 my tits are still growing! I blame it on asian genes. But I've got superfluous back fat, thigh fat, ass fat, neck fat and most obviously - arm fat. If I don't take care of this now, in 3 years I might be 30 lbs fatter and it'll be three times as difficult to get back to the same shape I was in when I modeled for Miss B.

I think I gave up on being hot during school, but now I'd like to be hot again.

Oh, and please do not comment on how I'm not fat. I know I'm not FAT. But I'm definately not IN SHAPE. I'm definately GAINING WEIGHT.

Hopefully, now that I've got this one post up, I will start blogging regularly. I've got a TON of pics to share from Old Hallow's Eve - but here's some from Zombie Walk 2006.