Don't mind me - I'm just loco.

I hate those mornings when you wake up to that deep blue early morning light and you are wide awake, but the dream is continuing as thoughts in your head. Last night, after an expensive trip to Walmart (we replaced our 2 person tent with a 4 person tent which meant we had to replace our double mattress with a queen - Ryan said, "Isn't it funny that a year ago, we thought we wouldn't have to spend money on this stuff ever again?"), Ryan and I watched another episode of our favourite television show of the summer, 4400. I won't bother going into what the show's all about, but the episode we watched just haunted me in my sleep.

Basically, this guy who works for the FBI wakes up one morning and his whole life is perfect. He's getting a lot of support at work, his son is going to medical school, everything that was wrong the day before has completely disappeared - as if none if it had ever happened. Then he meets his wife - and it turns out that she somehow woke up that same morning except in HIS life as HIS wife. They have no idea what happened, or how to get out of it, so they end up spending 8 years together, during which they fall in love, renew vows they don't remember taking in the first place, and life is just too good to be true. Then the guy goes to this art museum where he finds this door that no one else can see, and his wife pleads with him not to go in because it might ruin their lives together. But of course, he goes in anyway, and his wife is inside. She tells him that she's not actually his wife, just a projected image of her in the program running in her mind. It turns out that when she was abducted, they gave her the ability to recreate his world using his memories. The point, she said, was to buy them time to fall in love with each other because he needed her love to give him strength to do what he must do in real life. And that the only way for him to return to that life is to convince her that their life together isn't real and she must mentally deconstruct everything around them. Their memories of the past 8 years will remain intact, but they have to leave this perfect world. To make a long story a little shorter, he convinces her that it's for the best and that when they wake up, they'll still know each other, and they'll still remember their love for each other. And so one person at a time, she mentally disbelieves them into an oblivion and they wake up in reality again as if no time had passed at all, and they find each other outside the building and oh it's so happy, etc.

Pretty heavy for a TV show.

Anyway, the dream I had last night had something to do with all that, although I can't remember the details. The whole idea that reality is just a dream really fucks me up. The show left me afraid of every second that passed and every blink of an eye because I just didn't know if everything might suddenly disappear! I lose my understanding of reality and it's suddenly a world where anything can happen. I guess I just have an overactive imagination or maybe I watch too much TV, but it's scary! I think I might be a little insane.

The feeling passed fairly quickly because I've been working on coming to terms with this fear. It sounds ridiculous when you put it into words. Most people are afraid of spiders and heights, but I'm afraid of reality. In a lot of ways, this problem has given me an interesting perspective on life. Because I question reality, it opens up a lot of possibilities for me. I used to look at life as this narrow little tunnel that I was always trying to break out of, I now see this huge wide horizon where anything is possible!

I'm probably saying too much - I must sound crazy.

Anyway, I'm drinking lots of coffee this afternoon and probably a Red Bull before I go to dance class. I'm so exhausted! I was awake all morning trying to go back to sleep, and fell back asleep when the alarm clock rang. Don't you hate that? What is up with that? No one has ever been able to explain to me why that happens, and it happens to everyone!