Fuck Cirque du Soleil

On Friday, a girlfriend of mine, Linda, invited me to her friend Sue's bachelorette party at Whiskey-a-Go-Go. For those of you who have never been there, it's one of Toronto's best (female) strip clubs. Located in the far north-west corner of the city, it's a small club that gets packed every Friday and Saturday night. What makes it one of the best clubs is that the crowd it draws usually of about 30% women.

These women, they're not bull-dyke lesbos. Some of them aren't even bi. Whiskey's is just such a fun, female-friendly place where the bouncers are courteous, and the strippers are cute and sweet. Kinda like Cheers except with nakedness. Linda goes there regularily. The strippers all recognize her and she knows all their names. For $20, you can get a naked lapdance, and for $5, you can go up on stage and get slapped by a pair of soft stripper boobs, or have the bill lifted off your face by a shaved pussy. A good deal if you ask me!

The first time I was there was last March for my 21st birthday. Linda blew like $200 on me, buying me drinks and sending me on stage. The rule at Whiskey's is: Any girl who goes on stage has to show her titties! But having once been a Miss Behav'N model, showing my tits to a bar full of strange men is nothing compared to dancing half naked on Queen St. At least at Whiskey's, nobody's going to give me the finger or worse try to give me a bible. At least at Whiskey's, people actually want to see my tits instead of looking away in disgust.

During my first visit, I got my first naked lap dance by TWO women! Weeee! They were beautiful, so soft and hairless, and at one point, when they were rubbing their breasts on my face, I said to them, "Wow, this must be what it's like inside a lava lamp."

During the second visit, I didn't get a lapdance, but I did get to watch the best strip show. One of their featured acts, a lovely red-headed girl from Edmonton, came out dressed like Cat Woman, in a black leather mask, tight ripped pleather top and pants. She struts out like a panther and climbs up the strip pole - one hand over the other - shimmying herself to the very top. Then she grabs on to one of the rafters and flips herself upside down. She hangs from the rafters and smiles a feline smile at her audience. The crowd goes postal.

The rest of the night was entertaining. My second favourite act would have to be the school girl duo - both wearing matching school girl outfits complete with white fishnet stockings and glasses. At Whiskeys, no two acts are the same. And you can easily distinguish the amazing strippers from the terrible ones. Usually, their smile gives it away. Some wear those frozen figure-skater smiles that are so bright and toothy you try not to think what their frown might look like lest you lose your boner. And then there are those who don't necessarily smile the entire time, but when they do, and particularily when they smile directly at you, the whole room lights up. Good strippers don't necessarily have to be an acrobat, but they have to be creative. Those who can't hang off rafters, play the crowd. Those who are great pole dancers strut their stuff. And those who are only there trying to make a quick buck get no love from the crowd and it's so sad.