Sad Bastard
Excerpt from Daily Pages:
The stress is killing me. I always thought I hated school because of outside pressures (like the other students or the teachers), but the truth is: it's all in my head. My desire to only hand in the very best work is driving me insane. And the lack of time and focus I require to achieve my standards is so frusterating. Ryan says that's what a business is like - there's never enough time or resources to do the best job in anything, so everything ends up being half-assed. ...
I'm so anxious about getting a job. I wonder what I can qualify for now. I should go online to check, but I don't have time. There are so many soul nurturing things I need - am slowly dying for - that I simply don't have the time for. I can barely remember who I am anymore. The past summer, I had this golden energy that lit the way down every adventure, it made life feel so delightfully easy. Where did it come from? From focusing on my Inner Child. Letting her come out and play. She was much more wise and mature than my Outer Adult. My Outer Adult is brash, harsh, demanding, stressed-out, angry, fatalistic - all these terrible negatives. My Inner Child was so happy, smart, adventurous, dedicated, optimistic. Life opened up to her, but Life hides from me. Or rather I hide from it. I feel like a completely different person sometimes, it's scary. And I remember the moments this summer in sudden bouts of euphoria when I knew the high could not last forever and it didn't. But it didn't matter because I refused to step outside The Moment. Those sunny, magical days remain in my memory like a dream too sweet to have been real, but it was real. There is very little for me to smile about these days during the next few bitter months, I'll be holed up at home every spare moment devoting myself to one project after another - on top of many others.
End excerpt.
This is me these days, which is why I find it so difficult to blog. I feel like such an ass. I don't have a part-time job to worry about and I live with my boyfriend. I don't know what I'm complaining about. I just feel so out of my element. =(
The stress is killing me. I always thought I hated school because of outside pressures (like the other students or the teachers), but the truth is: it's all in my head. My desire to only hand in the very best work is driving me insane. And the lack of time and focus I require to achieve my standards is so frusterating. Ryan says that's what a business is like - there's never enough time or resources to do the best job in anything, so everything ends up being half-assed. ...
I'm so anxious about getting a job. I wonder what I can qualify for now. I should go online to check, but I don't have time. There are so many soul nurturing things I need - am slowly dying for - that I simply don't have the time for. I can barely remember who I am anymore. The past summer, I had this golden energy that lit the way down every adventure, it made life feel so delightfully easy. Where did it come from? From focusing on my Inner Child. Letting her come out and play. She was much more wise and mature than my Outer Adult. My Outer Adult is brash, harsh, demanding, stressed-out, angry, fatalistic - all these terrible negatives. My Inner Child was so happy, smart, adventurous, dedicated, optimistic. Life opened up to her, but Life hides from me. Or rather I hide from it. I feel like a completely different person sometimes, it's scary. And I remember the moments this summer in sudden bouts of euphoria when I knew the high could not last forever and it didn't. But it didn't matter because I refused to step outside The Moment. Those sunny, magical days remain in my memory like a dream too sweet to have been real, but it was real. There is very little for me to smile about these days during the next few bitter months, I'll be holed up at home every spare moment devoting myself to one project after another - on top of many others.
End excerpt.
This is me these days, which is why I find it so difficult to blog. I feel like such an ass. I don't have a part-time job to worry about and I live with my boyfriend. I don't know what I'm complaining about. I just feel so out of my element. =(
posted by min_o at
8:14 PM
3 Comments:
"over-the-internet" is no place for peppt speeches from minor characters in your life. . . you're a smart girl, look to your friends for support and encouragement. Listen to how they talk about you and try to see youself in their eyes.
School is no be-all-end-all. If you're unhappy leave. If you need to stay, then make it work for you.
Every lion tamer walks into a cage the first time and realizes that he's only there because he's decided to be a lion-tamer. In order to survive and make it work you have to not think about those seasoned professionals in vegas, with their matching spandex suits and blonde hair, getting mauled after some thirty years of doing it. Or, does it go: you have to think about them? I don't remember. . . but from what I see, you're not quite mauled-up yet, so trust yourself to be exactly who you are. If that's enough to get by, then maybe you need something else.
There'll be lot's of time to blog and not be in school and catch-up with the you that doesn't drive you crazy later.
hey there min-o girl, one step at a time. don't fool yourself thinking the magic light is gone. maybe its just busy whirring around your next essay. give it a break!
i know we relate to different levels of nonsense, but i still suggest some vintagey goodness and girl talk. with the help of benito here we might actually find a temporary balance.
you're not alone and you're not going crazy. keep writing, we're always here. school issues or not.
*i remember having so much artwork to do in school it was ridiculous. how can i finish a monochromatic portait in three hours? sketched and painted? are they crazy?
you just do your best. its like this across the board, no matter what your studying. at least with writing you can fake it better than blue guache.
uugh.
let go dahling. this is two years out of your hundred and two of this life. ultimately you'll learn what you have to. take your inner child to school and take notes in crayon-remember your sharpener, they get dull fast.
*i took physics, got a tutor, tried really really hard only to discover that at the time, it was not for me. i failed. i knew i was failing. i tried all the way thru knowing i was failing. ALL the WAY. then, i still went to the exam. I felt like a total loser, i let myself down blah blah blah. but whatever, i studied and to start, i wrote what i could with my number 2 pencil. but i know myslef, and i came prepared for something else. to make it fun,i drew my scientific diagrams in crayons, a little spaceship with stars and arrows to expalin something, i can't remember. but it looked great.
I finished that exam with crayons. what i didn't draw, i wrote in broken french. hows that for inner child.
i guess, personally i needed closer on that course. it was the first and only one i ever failed (until i got to college.)
In the end? i got half marks for my colourful diagrams being formulated correctly, and my teacher laughed as he told me it was the most fun creative exam he had ever marked.
i bet he tells his classes about this one kid who failed and still and wrote her exam in crayons.
the point, i dunno.
we'll talk.
i miss you.
:)
I feel ya darling. School is tough and there's a good reason for it. The only person you have to encourage you to do well is yourself (I know, your man helps too - but you're inner drive is what matters), and that takes a huge amount of inner strength and character. Do your best, and feel good about that - cause thats what you'll remember when its all over and your reaping the rewards of the knowledge you've gained and the new interests this experience has sown in you. "I worked that school from one end to the other".
PS. don't write your exams in crayon... unless of course you WANT to in which case... your as crazy as Datura and we should find you a shrink ;)
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