bGirl sTance

My first break-dance class was fun - exhausting, but fun. We learned how to up-rock (the little dance you do before you throw yourself onto the dancefloor).

The second one was not so fun. We learned how to CC (the Russian dance where you have one hand on the floor and you're throwing one leg out and switching back and forth) and the 6-step (when you have one hand on the floor and you rotate around in a circle by swinging your legs and your body around). That class was awful and I seriously began to wonder if I had gone in over my head. I couldn't keep up with the class. By the end of the class, besides having seriously strained my hamstrings, I still didn't know how to do the 6-step - even after staying behind after class. I couldn't have felt more stupid and useless. Fortunately, everyone in my class is super friendly and supportive, and most of my anxiety was internal.

People naturally have a tendancy to choose activities they can excel at. No one wants to do things they suck at doing. But I'm changing. I'm not the same wayward girl who quit the film club because she didn't have a video camera; or the girl who quit drama club because the other members wanted to create a play called "The Walnut Wars"; or the girl who quit hip-hop dance club because "hip-hop sucks" (it doesn't btw); or the girl who quit Japanese, Mandarin and Chinese class because she didn't want to memorize the characters. No, that girl didn't know shit.

The last class (yesterday) was the best so far. We were learning how to do freezes (where you balance on your head and hands and lift your legs up in the air). This was definately by far the most difficult exercise we've learned in that class. And after kicking myself the entire previous week for sucking so bad, I went to that class with no expectations except that I'd probably fall on my face and break something. But no biggie - I paid for the lessons, so I was going to go and soldier onward. I promised myself not to do anything I didn't think I could physically handle and stay safe. I still tried. And boy did I try. We were taught 3 different freezes, and I could only really do the last one (where I'm partly standing on my head, my left knee held up with my right arm, and my left arm holding up my body at my hip). It took a long time. All the girls were having trouble.

At first, I was afraid of holding myself up with my head. This is hardwood dance floor, I'm talking about, not something you'd want to hurt your head on. I also realise that my muscles are not strong enough to hold my body up - not the muscles in my arms, or the muscles in my torso. The teacher says once we learn to distribute the weight evenly between our two hands and head, we don't need a lot of strength at all to do a freeze. Right, buddy. Says a boy who has no body fat and tight little muscles balled up all over his body. My ass is damn heavy and I fell over a lot like a sausage rolling off a table many times.

But when you're in class, it's hard to just give up. Nobody forced me to try, but I couldn't just sit there staring at everyone. At one point, I just took a deep breath, put my hands and head to the ground and felt my whole body paying attention... waiting in position. And suddenly my legs were up in the air. It lasted for about half a second, but it was happening - and the whole class appluded! - then my arms gave out and I fell on my shoulder.

Break dancing is like nothing I've ever tried before. I never did any sports. I used to forge notes to get myself out of gym class. I prefered intellectual endeavours and artistic pursuits where I could think or draw myself to the top. I didn't have to be the best, but being one of the best was where I felt most comfortable. I've never been the laggard. I've never been the one who had to play catch-up. I never had to stay after class. I avoided anything physical because I knew my body wasn't really made for sports. I can't run for shit and I throw like a girl (I can catch tho!). And I hate being in direct competition with people in physical activities because no matter how hard I run, or how hard I throw the ball, I'm just never good enough.

So here I am in a break-dancing class doing a fuckin freeze on my head! You can't imagine the kind of calm you feel when you're balancing your whole body on your head and two hands. It's kind of like yoga. With better music.